A new pasttime

There's a new thing I've started doing at work. Actually, it's not so new... I've just recently begun to be conscious of what I was doing.

At work, we all have desks & are made to sit according to the teams we work with. Each team is separated from the others by modular partitions. My desk is at one corner of the office & from my place I can pretty much see the entire office.

So what I do (whenever I'm jobless & sitting at my desk), is to peer above the screen of my computer & the partition wall & watch the goings-on of the others at work or listen in to interesting conversations (which are usually arguments between a media buyer/planner & a vendor) that float about. The conversations are an interesting study of negotiation tactics & styles but that's a discussion for another day.

When I sit at my desk & peer up, I can see a lot of people standing around (milling about & shouting/arguing seem to be the done thing out here) & walking about. Usually, I can see only their upper torso or in some cases just the head (if the person is shorter than average). And it is this that caught my fancy recently.

Firstly, it's fascinating to look at people's expressions when they are unaware of anyone observing them. They may be in the midst of a conversation or explaining something & while the other person processes what they've just said, they relax, take a step back & assess the other person's responses. Their judgement of these said responses tends to then reflect on their faces... It could be disapproval, contempt, patience, impatience, distraction, confusion... just about anything. I must clarify that I'm not looking at their expressions in order to draw any inferences. Neither is there anything running at the back of my mind when I see them. Instead, my mind is just blank & I keep watching fascinated, at the no. of expressions possible & which one each person chooses for different situations.

Another thing that's interesting to watch is the way people walk or rather how they look when you can only see their upper torso while they walk. I've noticed a person who just seems to glide by literally. I'm yet to be able to make out any shifting of weight as this person walks. It's almost like he moves on a skateboard. As a person too, this person comes across as a very calm, controlled, unfazed person who glides through situations. Then there are several people who tend to bob from side to side. This is a pretty normal sight. Some bob in a more exaggerated way while, some are more subtle.

Some walk by with a frown & keep touching & correcting their hair when they walk. Some sulk & walk. Some walk by like an ape (a little like what I'd imagine one of the latter forms of the primitive man to have walked like). Some stoop over. Some hobble. Some bob from side to side & sway front & back. Some walk & smile to themselves. Some walk in a purposeful, aggressive manner. Some swing by (if they'd held their hands up, I could almost imagine them as swinging from one branch to another like a monkey)

There are so many types actually & many a time, I fancy that the kind of person I perceive the person to be is reflected in their gait. Maybe, I'm just force fitting things here. Nonetheless, it's an interesting past-time at work... Watching people.

Musings...

There were a couple of things that I've been wanting to write about in the past few months but then I kept putting it off because I couldn't think of enough things to write about each of them. So today it occurred to me the best way to get the ideas out of my head would be to just compile those little thoughts together into one post. That way I could write as little about them as I wanted without having strange 5-line posts on my blog. So here goes...

a. It is so hard to BEGIN writing a post. The first few lines never seem to sound impressive & I'm never sure of how much of context to provide or what to say by means of explanation & when to stop. Given my tendency to ramble, that is certainly a concern. Also of concern is how my attention tends to waver in between. Come to think of it, it is hard to begin writing anything!

b. We (the so called 'youth) like to criticise soaps for their drama & unrealistic story lines. We (or maybe just I) are put off by the sobbing wives/daughters-in-law, the feuding families, the inter-familial rivalry, the break-ups, the getting back together, the re-births & the makeovers & post cosmetic surgery formations etc. But, the same fare dished up by reality shows is lapped up? We want the drama, every unbelievable, sickening bit of it so long as some (even though unknown) person can ratify it to be the true story of real people. As an aside, some of those real people come across as unbelievably mentally unstable. So for all our criticism of housewives who religiously tune into soaps, how are we with (with our advanced sense of voyeurism) any different? How's that for hypocrisy?

c. If Politics, Bollywood & Cricket were the top three topics of conversation for the average Indian; sickness would be next on the list. (Actually, even if they were not the favourite topics of conversation, sickness would still be a favourite topic!). And not just sickness of the self but also of our neighbours, friends siblings, parents, grandparents, spouses, in-laws, grand in-laws so on & so forth.

Such conversations typically entail detailed descriptions of the symptoms, methods of diagnosis, the listener's opinions on cures, recounting experiences of other people with similar ailments (usually, by the listener), discussions on the actual cures prescribed by the doctors & recommendations of other doctors who could be consulted.

d. People don't listen to what one says. They assume what the other person is about to say & hear only those parts that fall in line with their assumptions. And this whole complex process of guessing & 'hearing' is somehow accomplished in a fraction of a second!?!

That sort of rounds up things I can think of now... So that's 'The End' for this post now.

Free Falling...

“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.” ~Veronica A. Shoffstall

Came across this quote on some one's Facebook page a while back. The quote is quite a 'feel-good' one but it was that one line about accepting defeats with the grace of an adult & not the grief of a child that I found resonance in & it's that one line that's been going on in my head which led to a number of other thoughts- Not connected but certainly related.

Firstly, the reason the line stuck was because I've been getting a lot of flak for behaving like a child at times. When I look at my actions or thoughts, it IS true & despite all my attempts to curb such responses & think rationally, my instinctive reactions are irrational. I'd rather react than understand, sulk than reason, live in denial than make a change, hide than confront.

Secondly, since reading this quote, there were some (separate) conversations with friends that got me thinking... How is it that the basic story in people's lives are the same? Our reaction to grief & disappointment is the same... We question our self worth!

"Why is this happening to me?"
"What am I lacking?"
"Why am I so imperfect?"
"Why do I make the same mistakes twice over?"
"Maybe, I deserve this..."
"Maybe everyhting happens for a reason..."
"Maybe there's something better in store..."

And that's the funny thing... We all think we're inferior to the rest of the world. So even though we might feel really crappy & look at others & envy their happiness, the truth is that everyone is just as vulnerable to being in the dumps & feeling like they lack something in them.

I'm realizing that women & relationships always seem to have the same outcome irrespective of the woman! Maybe it even applies to the men, but I don't know enough of that to comment.

Take any kind of woman... She could be the hopelessly romantic, thinks-with-the-heart, homely kinds or the brazen, no-nonsense, thinks-with-her-head kinds or she could be the anywhere- in-between kinds. Along comes a guy, and the differences in the kinds blur. Then there's just one kind: the woman in love kinds! And then, there comes a heartbreak... the differences blur again. Then again there's just one kind: The heart-broken woman who deals with insecurities. Wonders why her. Wonders about her (mostly, imagined) shortcomings. Wonders if she'd ever have her shot at true, long lasting love. And then, there are the friends for reassurance. And there is the little speech they give about how to forget & move on. How to love oneself & give our own selves priority & that love would follow (Much like the quote above, love yourself & grow your own garden of flowers rather than waiting for someone to love you & get you the flowers)

I'm not trying to sound cynical or mock anything or anyone here. However, what is catching my interest here is that we (women) all feel singular in our grief. When our heart breaks, we feel like we're bearing the brunt of the worst. But... the irony of it all is that somehow or the other all our lives are similar, our grieving process is the same, our insecurities are the same, our reassurances are the same & our faith & hope is also the same.

I guess the best is to wait till we've grown up some more & can look back & smile wisely, fondly (maybe, even ruefully) & nostalgically at what passed. Until then, I guess we keep going on & on, repeating our mistakes over & over again. Maybe, our mistakes don't teach us to be perfect. Maybe, they just teach us to be less imperfect the next time round...